when I first moved to California – in 1989 – I was in therapy for a while – perhaps 100 hours or so total. That helped a good deal and it was what very much what I needed at the time
more recently – so the last several years –
1) connecting with others who had been at Mt. Hope – words fail to express my gratitude to those who helped to open my eyes and my heart to what had taken place at Mt. Hope –
2) The Holy Eucharist – for the last few years I have spent most Thursday evenings – from 10:00 till 11:00 PM before the Holy Eucharist. On one of these Thursday’s – in the winter of 2009 – I was overwhelmed with doubt – massive doubt – unlike anything I have experienced. I know, to say one had doubt – a crisis in faith – while kneeling before the Holy Eucharist sounds sacrilegious. But there I was – feeling almost like I was being lifted up and thrown against the wall of the chapel. What did I doubt most? I doubted that God would lift my pain from me in this lifetime. I did not doubt he could lift the pain –I simply doubted he would. So that evening what could I say except “God, I give you my doubt.”?
And I did
2a) roughly a year later – in the same chapel – again kneeling before the Eucharist – and I sense that God wants me to loving place all my pain on the Altar before him. Till now – while I would place my pain on his Altar almost weekly – I would do it in a way that would say “Take this God – I do not want it – I want to throw it far from me.” And yet I had never done so with a sense of love – rather I had always placed it there purely so he would take if from me. – that evening I listened to what I was hearing and said “God, I place my pain – my baggage – on your Altar – with love.” While I did not realize it at that moment – it was then that my pain dissipated greatly.
to “others who had been at Mt. Hope” and have shared with me their memories. I am forever grateful for that sharing. And I don’t see this blog as an effort to pay a debt owed for that sharing – but rather to share my own memories and healing (which continues) in hopes of multiplying that healing.
